Anger: What if my anger IS righteous?

With some Special Thoughts about Gossip…and a Postscript about the Manifold Irritations of Our Age

“Be angry and do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger.”

            Ephesians 4:26

St Paul’s admonition to the Ephesians 'to be angry but do not sin' rests on a crucial distinction between righteous and unrighteous anger.

We are all well-acquainted with the fact that one man’s righteous anger (so-called) often appears to others as unrighteous. We are easily capable of sanitizing our own motivations here.

So while the distinction is crucial, it is notoriously difficult to discern the difference. How do we?

That’s the main subject of this blog post…with some special thoughts about gossip along the way…and an extra point about impatience and irritability at the very end.

 

How do we know if our anger is genuinely righteous?

Let me first point out: this is obviously not for some sudden outburst at another motorist—which probably is rarely very righteous at all—but for a big issue. An interpersonal conflict. A serious offense by someone close to you. A social or political concern. That sort of thing.

For those issues, let me suggest a discernment process we ought to be willing to go through to discern the spirit of anger within us.

First, we need to self-diagnose. Pray for the Holy Spirit to examine your conscience. And in prayer, ask yourself these diagnostic questions. It follows the acronyn: WAIT!

W – What or Whom is actually the object of my anger? Be honest here.

A – Am I angry because…I feel personally wronged? My honor or image is at stake? What is my personal investment in my anger? Do we see in Scripture God angered by what I am angry about? Is the heart of God truly reflected in my heart—a heart that is committed both to justice and to mercy? Is it a matter of God’s sense of holiness and justice?

I – Is this building up or tearing down? If I acted on this anger right now, what would happen as a result? How would others receive it?

T – Am I trusting the LORD for outcomes? Am I trusting others who might be in a better position or authority to act? Or if I act, am I only trying to bring this about by myself, by my own means?

If you can answer these questions and truly you, yourself and I are not all over the answers, then you might just be experiencing truly righteous anger. Your anger might well be an indicator of injustice.

Let’s say you can answer ‘yes.’ Go onto the next step.

Second, seek some godly counsel.

And by ‘counsel’ I do not mean: Telling someone else to ‘process’ the experience or your feelings and rehearse the wrong. To solicit their sympathy and ‘support.’ Or perhaps to get them on your side.

Let me just add here:

We conceal a lot of terrible, toxic stuff in this antiseptic word: ‘process’!!!

Another name for the so-called ‘counsel’ going on under the name of ‘processing’ is: gossip. So much gossip is just churn—it is recycling the issue, and in the process, spreading it to others. Processing assumes the justice of your cause. Perhaps it’s hidden agenda is to make the other person a partisan of your cause.

It’s as if we are saying: “Hey, this cancer I’ve got in spreading me? It’s not happy with just one host!”

Paul has lots of stern words about gossip. If it is directed at a member of our body, it is corrosive of genuine Christian community. (And beware: to whatever extent I can stamp it out, I as a priest try to do so!)

99 times out of 100, such so-called ‘counsel’ leads you deeper into anger. Into more self-righteousness. Into more judgmentalism. Not into true, godly justice, which is situated comfortably within His overriding mercy.

No, with real godly counsel, we seek, first and foremost, to confirm if our anger is indeed righteousness. Once counsel has confirmed the righteousness of your anger, you also seek counsel for what to do about it—how to act.

Both are necessary elements of good anger discernment.

So you could consulting someone whom you respect as a spiritual authority to confirm or disconfirm your self-diagnosis and then follow their advice as to next steps.

Let me expand briefly upon these two essential points:

First, godly counsel is submissive to the authority of the counselor. You are coming for their confirmation/disconfirmation and for their advice, not to re-affirm your own. You describe the situation. Ask them if your anger is justified, and if so, what to do about it.

Then sit back and listen.

Now, you might not follow their counsel to a T, but their core counsel needs to become your conviction in the matter.

Their Counsel  Your Conviction.

To be sure you have listened well, do this: Before you end the conversation, you share with them what your key take away is—and they need to agree that it is good and adequate approach based on their advice.

Second, real counsel is action-oriented.

Even good diagnosis can be a dead end if it concludes in merely words—not words aiming towards action. That is a crucial difference.

Like so-called ‘processing,’ even insightful, godly diagnosis can, in the end, deepen our grip on anger. Rarely does it lead to release, until we step out in faith—and act.

So by being action-oriented, genuine godly counsel allows us to release our anger. We act now—and we trust God for the rest. Action is stepping forth in trust in the LORD (and perhaps in other agents or authorities).

It forces us beyond ourselves.

This is part of what Paul means when he admonishes us: Do not let the sun go down on your anger.

Namely, do something godly and constructive now, before the sun goes down.

So if your anger really is an indicator of some injustice that needs righting, you need to take some action today, right now. It might not be the only step of action, but get the process started.

Otherwise, you might well be holding onto your anger in a way to deepens grievance or resentment. If you hold it overnight do not be surprised if it has grown more toxic overnight. (Conversely, if it is gone in the morning, then maybe it was not nearly as serious as you thought the day before!)

That third and final step is, of course: Action.

Anger without action often festers into resentment. Bitterness. Deeper anger or division.

And there’s a lot of good research showing how unresolved anger leads to depression and other anxiety disorders. So it’s toxic for your mental health, too.

I think that is one more reason why it is so tempting to go gossip when you are angered. It feels like action. You are, after all, doing something about it. It’s just you’re not doing a good, godly, healthy thing, if you are spreading the cancer further.

Action might look like this:

• A coworker has publicly disrespected you. After good discernment, you ask to meet with the coworker the next day. That’s your initial action step! Anger, meet action! At that meeting, you act further: you acknowledge how her action made you feel. Perhaps how it hurt your credibility or respect amongst colleagues. You re-affirm your respect for your coworker and your desire for a good working relationship with her, then ask her if, going forward, together you two could have a different way of communicating concerns one towards another. It’s bonus if she issues a public apology. Then thank her!

• Your husband keeps failing to do some mutually agreed upon household chores. It’s gotten to the point where you had to admit you’re really angry about it. You have self-diagnosed well with good counsel. You and the counsellor agree on this action-plan: You schedule with your spouse a time for a conversation. That’s your first action step. Yes, it might seem ominous, but that’s ok: Just say, it is something that will take a few minutes and I wanted to make sure we had the time and space to talk it through. At that conversation, you share your perception that the chore is not getting done (or done in a timely manner, as agreed upon, etc.). You gently but firmly share why it hurts or bothers you (eg, it makes more work for you, leaves the house in a way you do not feel comfortable, etc.). Own your feelings. But stress, you do not want this situation, do not want to feel that way towards him. Rather, you would like to explore with him if there is a better way forward in dealing with this situation.  You see, you seek your husband’s confirmation of your perception, and his partnership in a solution. Do not demand an apology, but if he does apologize, immediately and unconditionally, forgive. Resolve never to hold this against them. Ever. Helpful questions to explore: Why do you think this is happening? And how can we come to a better place where it is getting done? Work together on a new action plan.

What’s the common denominator in both these ‘action scenarios’?

You are not acting out of anger. In anger. With anger driving the conversation.

Rather, you are owning your feelings in a way that is disarming, rather than attacking.

I believe this is exactly the path Paul admonishes in Ephesians 4:31-32. You are indeed, letting “all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice.” You are, instead, being “kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.”

The goal is to have mercy upon the other and thereby, to be reconciled to one another. Perhaps even deepen and strengthen the relationship. Too often in our anger, our direct desire is scorched earth. We want to win the argument, not the person. It is not reconciliation or transformation we are seeking but getting event--rage or resentment fueled revenge.

Now, imagine if all the anger in the world were processed this way?!?!

Extra Point:

So on Sunday I confessed how easily peeved I get behind the wheel.

Impatience and irritation abounds in our lives, does it not?

It’s not just traffic but it is the TV remote not muting this very instant. Or the kids constantly dropping their things on the floor, even though we have told them 1,000 times not to. Or maybe your boss dumping some extra task on you at the 11^th hour.

UGH!!!

Your anger might not be explosive in those situations, but to erupt even in verbal irritation—UGH!!!—betrays in us a persistent undercurrent of anger. It’s like it is just there below the surface, ready to be tapped at a moment’s notice.

I believe this might be a contributing factor to full-blown road rage situations. People are just walking around on edge all the time, ready for the trigger to be flipped. (Or at least, be flipped off!)

Why is that so easy?

I think we need to acknowledge an underlying issue in order to break free from this. Our society has conditioned us for instantaneous self-gratification. Especially via technology.

That $%^& TV remote?!

It’s because it is supposed to mute instantly. But it could be slightly defective. Battery low. Or it’s not aligned with the electric eye correctly (ie, USER error). Or any one of a dozen little snafus. Think of how complex that little gizmo actually is. But no, it better work right now, every time, just as I want. Or else: UGH!

Or the kids’ cooperation? We should say it once and they should be on it right now, and be just as consistent as ‘we moms and dads are.’ (Uh huh, sure.) In fact, we all know, in our clearer moments, that one and done training of a child is rarely if ever effective. But we are tired and busy and we have told them not once, but umpteen times. So much pressure, so little time. Right? So it’s not so wrong is it if I vent my frustration to them when the fail—again?!

Or that thing at work that just landed on your desk with a quick turnaround timeframe when you already have 32,783 things to do! It’s easy to erupt…because the unexpected interrupts our workflow. Maybe you don’t erupt at your boss (it might be professionally dangerous)…but how about the guy in the office next to you. Let’s have a good ole gripe session!!! Again, so much pressure, so little time.

There is a way in which our society conditions us for immediate gratification—and others act upon that assumption towards us as well.

None of this is fair. All the way around. So it’s like there is a steady uncurrent of unfairness woven into the very fabric of our society. With impatience and irritability driving so many personal interactions.

How do we break out of this?

I think a godly, biblical perspective and a life regularly listening to God in prayer are the keys.

Do we have a God’s eye perspective on this world and our participation in it? That perspective can help us diagnose the underlying irritability of our society just as we have here. It can also provide us a sense of what God truly values. Stunningly, He values our abiding in Christ, in faith, hope and love, more than He does our technological efficiency and productivity—the drivers of our societal discontent.

So we need God’s perspective from His Word to be convicted of our own participation in the culture of impatience and irritability.

Second, a crucial part of how we get that perspective more deeply rooted in us is prayer. Prayer is not just asking God for things. It is communion with Him. It is walking and talking with Him about every concern, going to Him for counsel—and really listening. Like even before we turn to a friend or other human counselor, go to Him first.

It is stunning to me how in the midst of anxious situation, where my tendency is to stew over my concerns…but if I stop for a few moments of genuine prayer, I can get a clear heart and mind, and an uncanny peace. The impatience, the irritability can dry up rather quickly in the light of God’s glory and grace. But we only access that directly if we meet Jesus in prayer.

We have the Holy Spirit indwelling us, to facilitate our connection to the ascended Jesus, who is also interceding for us with the Father. So He is our access to the most powerful anger management team EVER. Let’s use it!